There are lots of surprises in life that truly catch you off guard.  You hear about them all the time.  Like whenever there is a bank robber caught or some horrific crime committed by a “normal” person, they always interview their friends and neighbors.  And their friends and neighbors always say pretty much the same thing: We are shocked.  They were always nice to our kids.  We have picnics with them every week.  Our kids play together every day.  We take care of their house and cat whenever they are gone.  They have always been the nicest people to be with.  There must be some mistake.  This person would never do that.  I see them in church every week.  We are completely surprised.”

I can understand their surprise.  You just don’t expect your friends and associates to be murderers and rapists.  If you knew they were, they likely wouldn’t be your friends.  If any of my neighbors had any of these issues in their background, I would be completely surprised.  Stunned, actually.  I live in a nice, friendly town with wonderful people.  I don’t think any of my associates would do anything horrible.  I’d really be surprised if they did.

What doesn’t surprise me is the results of stuff that less smart people do.  While they are often surprised, I am not.  Take for example, the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.  It happens every year in July.  Here’s how it goes:  During the time of this bull-running festival, 12 to 15 bulls weighing roughly 3,000 pounds each (that’s about 23 tons of bull) run through the streets of Pamplona to the bullring somewhere in the downtown area.  In medieval times when the bulls were herded through the streets, the townspeople used to run behind them all the way to the bullring.  That would have been hundreds of years ago.  Most of us would think that the medieval timers did the best they could at the time but in this day and age, we would be much smarter.  Somewhere along the line, someone came up with the idea that everyone should starting running in front of the bulls rather than in back.  Brilliant.  I wonder why we didn’t think of this sooner.  Could it be that it is one of the dumbest ideas, ever?

Here’s the surprising part.  On July 7th of this year, during the first day of the festival, according to the AP, officials were surprised that 13-15 people were badly injured when things turned a “little chaotic” after the bulls got separated and started to charge the spectators.  Things got a “little chaotic?” Surprise, surprise, surprise.  I am also surprised that there were 13-15 people badly injured.  Are they just bad counters or could it be that there were 13 people by the way the US counts people and 15 people by the way the Europeans count people.  Maybe they use Kilopeople or millipeople as their measuring standards.

However, NOBODY should be surprised that hundreds of people each year get gored, trampled, battered and bruised just for the “fun” of running in front of bulls.  Again, brilliant.

As I did a little research on this event, I came across a list of FAQ’s (frequently asked questions) regarding this tradition.  Here are a few and their answers.

Question: “Can I get hurt running with the bulls?” 

Answer: “Yes.  Not only will you be running with 15 bulls, each weighing approximately 3,000 pounds, there is also the danger of tripping and falling over fellow runners.  Since 1924 thousands of people have been injured.  13 have died.”

My Thoughts: I can sure see why this would be appealing.

Question: “How long is the bull run?”

Answer: “Half a mile.  The entire run takes 2-3 minutes.”

My Thoughts: The fastest man in the world can barely run a 4 minute mile.  In order to keep ahead of the bulls, you’d have to run faster.  I can see where this makes sense. 

Question: “Are these tame bulls?”

Answer: “No.  They are the fighting Miuras breed, which have an extra vertebrae in their necks, making it easier for them turn their heads so that they can gore whomever is close.”

My thoughts: Only stupid people would do this.

Question: “What is the fastest way to get to Pamplona?”

Answer: “By plane.”

My Thoughts: Do we really need to answer stupid questions?

Question: “Is this a good family event for people with children?”

Answer: “Yes.  Lots of families come with their children.  Older people in wheelchairs often come with their grand kids. However, don’t plan to stay in the downtown area, as there is a lot of alcohol consumed and loud noises.”

My Thoughts: Boy, that sure does sound like a great place to take children…not!

I have a suggestion which might make the Running of the Bulls Festival more practical.  As each runner finishes up the “race”, we have doctors on hand to give each of them a lobotomy.  That way they, for sure, won’t be smart enough to think that this is a smart thing to do.  And others won’t have to pay for their stupidity.

Does this make me a stick-in-the-mud?  Maybe, but I think not.

After looking at the presidential candidates up for election in November, I decided that I couldn’t decide.  Each seems to be honorable and I am sure their hearts are in the right place.  It’s just that I don’t think that anybody can run for office and not be beholden to all of those people who put them in position to run for president in the first place.  So they are not free to make the right choices because they have to please their constituency.

Since we have so many issues facing our country, I don’t think it is possible for either major candidate to get the job done right.  So I am running for President.  I have always said (at least my mother always said) if you want something done right then do it yourself.  I can’t expect the other guys to get the job done without being willing to do it myself, if necessary.  So I am running for President.

Since I don’t really know how to run for president, I decided to hire a presidential consultant to give me some advice.  It was pricey up front, but he told me he would cut my hourly rate significantly if I hired him for the campaign.  I promised to do that.  And, when I found out his hourly rate, I told him I could talk quickly and likely only needed 7 or 8 minutes of his time.  That way I could get by for under a hundred bucks, which was still a bit pricey for me.

The first question the consultant asked was how much money did I expect to spend for this venture?

“Well,” I said, “It would be financially painful but I think I could come up with about $1,000 out of my overdraft account.  Keep in mind that would have to also pay for my one way ticket to Washington, DC in January of 2009 so that I could be there in time for the inauguration.  I figure I’ll be moving into the White House, so I really shouldn’t have any hotel expense.”

“Do you have a steering committee set up yet?”

“What’s that?” I asked.

He said it was a group of people that would advise me on what I should think and how I would set up my campaign.

That was an easy one to answer.  I told him my lovely wife, Terri, made most of my decisions and I already knew what my wife thought I should think.  I also get plenty of advice from my kids and in-law relatives.  And my friends and neighbors also kick in a few ideas from time to time.  It’s generally pretty good advice.

I further told him that I had a bunch of ideas for my campaign platform, like not spending more money than the government took in.  And paying off our debts.  And not spending more on wars than we spend on education or health.  And developing our own oil sources as well as alternate energy sources.  And trying to get along with all the countries that want to kill us.  And stop talking about immigration and do something about it.  Anything.  And the biggest campaign issue of all was to make Republicans and Democrats get along, all the time.  If they said something bad about the other, they would have to go into time-out.  If they just couldn’t get along, then I would make them get together in the same room and not come out until they agreed on a compromise.  It seems to work with my kids.

“That’s it?” he asked.

“Pretty much,” I answered.  “You act like that’s not enough.”

“Well, what are you going to do about the desert rat that is crippling developers in certain parts of the country?  You’ve got to protect ‘em or he’ll become extinct.  What about all of the free postage that Congressmen get, and use, at election time to ‘check in’ with their constituents?  If they don’t get free advertising, they won’t be reelected.  And how are you going to address the hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars available to presidential candidates?  Without that we may never know which of their advertising agencies is the most creative, given unlimited funds.  You need to offer more.  Much more.”

As I thought about what he said, I decided to let him know that the items on my agenda were all that I could handle in my first term.  Other issues would have to wait until the 2012 re-election campaign.  I was also going to point out that no president had been able to do any of the things on my platform, so if I could get those items done I figured we’d all be in better shape.

I was just about to expound on all of this when there was a knock at the door.  After a brief moment, his assistant poked her head in the door and let me know that my 8 minutes were up.  If I wanted to continue for another 8 minutes, it would be another $100.  Unlike the government, I couldn’t afford it.

I left and started my long walk home.  I couldn’t afford the gas for my car.

Doesn’t it make you want to send a message to some of your political leaders?  Maybe we should tell them that their time is up.

Just a thought.

I put a swimming pool in my backyard about 8 years ago.  As you might guess, we had to do some extensive redesigning.  It took a fair amount of money just to get the yard in shape when we first moved in.  So, after having put in an extensive (and expensive) sprinkler system, we planted lots of grass, trees, shrubs and flowers (annuals as well as perennials—I still don’t know the difference) as per the landscaper’s instructions.  It turned out pretty nice.  At least I thought so.  However, after seven years of that my wife (and I) thought it would be a good idea to dig it all up, pay to have the landscaping company haul it away and start all over again by putting in a swimming pool.

It sure seemed like a good idea at the time.  However, as I reflect back on this period of time I have come to think that we must have had more money than brains.  For the record, swimming pools are not cheap.  It costs plenty of cash just to put the thing in, not to mention the daily maintenance in the summer and the year round cost of just having it there.  It needs to be winterized.  Then it needs to be unwinterized.  Then it needs new, expensive chemicals on a regular basis.  But since everyone has one or two things in life that they really cherish, it didn’t seem to be too far out of line to own a pool.  After all, we don’t have a boat, a summer cabin or any other adult toys, so why not have a swimming pool? 

Well, since I have only been in the pool eight times in eight years, I am beginning to think that maybe this wasn’t the best investment we have made in our family.  By my calculations, so far, it has cost me roughly $8,962 for every time I have gone swimming.  In retrospect, I can think of lots of other things I could do for $8,962 that might be more memorable.  For example, I could fly to Hawaii with my wife for a couple of weeks and stay in a very nice hotel suite for less than $8,962. Or, I could buy 18,000 Snickers candy bars, eat 5,000 of them and give the rest away one at a time.  Or, I could go to 1,500 movies.  Or, I could sit in some of the best seats at 150 Jazz games.  Or, I could buy 35,000 cans of soda. Or, I could buy (and eat) 9,000 bean burritos at Taco Bell.  (Hopefully, I’ve made my point).  And I promise you that all of those experiences would bring me more joy than a dip in the pool.

Anyway, I am writing about this because I just got word that I need to buy a new automatic pool vacuum for $500.  This is, of course, on top of the $650 I just spent on fixing the pool cover track, only to find out I need to get a new one.  And it is on top of the fact that we had to buy a new 125 foot-long discharge hose to backwash the filter.  It seems that this is the year that has been pre-programmed for everything to be fixed or replaced.  To be frank, I’m a little tired of it.  So I decided to do something about it.

After spending a couple of hours looking for the owner’s manual for the Hayward Navigator automatic vacuum system, I immediately went to the troubleshooting section of the book.  I figured if I could identify the problem properly, I might be able to fix it and save myself 500 large.  I looked at all of the major potential problems and what the causes and solutions would be.  For example, if the vacuum gets caught by the steps in the pool, the cause of that is worn “shoes” which are the little rubber feet on the bottom of the vacuum.  The solution for that is to “replace the shoes.”  No kidding.  I never would have figured that one out.  If the hose is too short to reach the deep end of the pool the solution is to “install additional hose lengths.”  Good idea.  And if the Navigator hose is blocked is listed as the problem, the solution is to “clear the blockage.”  Wow. Who would have guessed?

Now, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but after reading this troubleshooting section of the owner’s manual, I could see a definite trend developing.  I am thinking that I could have written this entire pamphlet knowing what I know now.  Or, I could be a great customer service representative when people called in for technical questions:

“Hi, this is Kent.  How may I help you today?”

“My pool vacuum doesn’t work.”

“What seems to be the problem?”

“I don’t know.  That’s why I am calling you.”

After a pronounced, pregnant pause I would simply say, “Here’s what you do.  If the hose is blocked, unblock the hose.  If the shoes are worn out, replace the shoes.  If the hose is too short, then get a longer hose.  And, finally, if the vacuum is broken, then fix it.  Can I help you with anything else?”

I could do that.  I really could.